Thoughts on Loneliness

Abuse Survivor, bravery, confidence, contentment, courage, Faith, fear, hope, kindness, memoir, patience, Peace, Prayer, Redemption, Trust, Vulnerability, waiting, wisdom, writing

On the mornings I’m awakened by the birds early, just a couple or three singing outside my window, I sense the key in the door of hope gently turning.

Reminding me I’m never without grace and a decision to privately proclaim,

Today’s a new day!

Birds that dance on the country porch, rest on the arm of the rocker and quickly fly upward when the baby and I decide to get closer.

Their intent it seems is for me to be content in the sighting, not the pursuit.

There’s a verse in my Bible, in the right margin there lives a very faint sketch.

A little country house, yellow with one window and a slight slope of roof, pencil colored gray.

The lines of ink are thin and intentional.

On the roof, there’s a teeny tiny bird.

There are lots of sketches in my Bible that are a bit tender, there are added notes to self that are even more tender.

Someone told me once,

“Your Bible could be in a museum one day.” Drake

This kind soul was not employing flattery, he was and is brave and so very intentional in his observations of life and us as we live it.

Honestly like the psalmist whose words are a juxtaposition of praise and peril, of despair and hope, of beseeching and blessing our God.

The little bird drawing born of timidity in the acknowledgment of loneliness?

“I lie awake; I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭102‬:‭7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Oh, how I love a beautiful and brave word.

Months ago, I was gifted a book of Declarations, a compilation of poetic prayers much like the language of the Psalmist.

“Declarations in the Desert – Life Changing Decrees for the Dry and Dusty Valleys of Life” by Tara Sierra Moseley

It’s a book, I’ve read slowly, taking in small doses and then slowly increasing my “treatment”.

It’s a book and a practice in the beginning I decided

I’m not quite there yet spiritually to pray this way, not qualified in the field of faith to pray in such a confident way.

No surprise, this has long been my way of thinking.

Unforced and with ease (the best way for me) I began to pray, to records my words with God as declarations not timid asks or complaints.

Loneliness is a state I’m familiar with. Loneliness, or being alone is a response and a place I’ve often decided is safest for me.

I flee to hide.

I run as fast as I can to avoid conflict or triggers of fears and pain I’ve known.

Running and hiding lead to desperation, not safety, I am beginning to see.

“One thousand will flee at the threat of one, at the threat of five you will flee,

until you alone remain like a solitary pole on a mountaintop or a banner on a hill.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30‬:‭17‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

Alone, on a hill

a tree

stripped of its branches.

And still, I’m gently called like a bird in the morning after a night of nightmares, realizing it was loneliness I saw in the eyes of others at a gathering that led to fitful sleep.

Glad that the birds woke me to invite newness.

Return. This is the way.

Let’s walk together.

Let this be your declaration.

A Declaration

Today is a new day. I declare that you’ve never abandoned me. I declare that Your strength allows me to choose strength and that Your strength is always available.

I declare that you’ve never left me on my own and that you’ve not once been unavailable to me.

I declare my bend towards fleeing and freezing is seen and understood by you and You, Lord are still so confident in the future you’ve made for me.

I declare trust and quiet confidence in this becoming increasingly my every moment hope.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope in your latter end.” Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ ‭RV1885‬‬

Continue and believe, quietly and confidently.

You are never alone and you are loved.

Hope.

What Faith is For

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In the asking of brave questions, faith is given power to grow.

To give ourselves and others permission to hope. To look up and outward from wise or sorrowful inward reflection to be ignited by newness in thought.

Light Transcends

I have a friend who suggested an exercise she’d had suggested to her. As soon as you wake each morning, make a list of all the things you like about yourself (and I suppose, your life).

It’s an exercise akin to my intentional looking for color, for small glimpses of God in nature, a centerpiece on a table.

Yesterday, I thought of all the babies and children and kept circling around the question of how this world now will be then for them.

Then, upstairs with the baby, the song “What a Wonderful World” popped up.

I recognized that there will be wonder still in the world for them to discover. Wonder like plants considered “invasive” that I find spectacular.

A Wonderful Place

I haven’t done the wake up and like things about me thing yet.

I’m still thinking about our conversation that day and all the others I’ve been an invited listener to be changed by.

Honesty that’s been opening doors of my heart.

I’m remembering one offering in particular, an admission of messes made in life, wild times likely at least a part of causing.

Romans 8:28-29 is a passage sort of laid in our laps often in hard times by well-meaning friends or acquaintances.

Or it’s a subtle warning to know God is in control, better not question!

Just accept that bad happens and square your shoulders, pick up your head and carry on towards the good that’s promised.

Often, scripture is offered up and ordered to be accepted, no question.

Maybe not intentional, still there’s no healing in that.

There’s no hope, really.

Noticing Beauty

It must be quietly absorbed and eventually understood personally and deeply and with sweet humility.

This morning, I read this passage again.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬-‭29‬ ‭NLT‬‬


I let my thoughts land on the pages of my journal.

Redemption in Process

God doesn’t cause but sometimes allows. God allows so that we will know He is still with us. He saw.

He sees.

He was and is with us. It’s impossible for Him not to be.

His Sovereign intent is one of persistent and patient pursuit.

He is still with us as we wrestle with the allowance of the crisis, the trauma, the grief, the ugly outcome.

He is still with us and if we will learn to lean into and on Him

we will changed by this leaning.

We will be changed by the hard.

We will, in the leaning, absorb His wisdom and strength.

So that we are changed (made stronger) and that change will better us and make us better carriers of faith to those we encounter.

You must ask yourself bravely what’s so hard to fathom about a God you know as love…

God, did you see, did you allow ___________?

And then you do what’s even more brave.

You look at the allowance of bad and you honestly consider how you in your woundedness, innocence, or ill-equipped for life humanity may have contributed to the eventual disaster or despair.

Then you begin to live more freely as you move closer with transparency to the redemption meant to change you, to offer new hope,

so that your hope and redemptive honesty may be influential in the lives of others.

Maybe, that’s what faith is for.

To be shared in vulnerable and unexpected conversations that change the trajectory of another’s journey.

Often, by surprise.

Just for Joy

Yes, I believe that’s what faith is for.

To bring all things together for good and for us to be more like the one who formed us with certain intention that our likeness to Him will beckon others toward a life of hope, a life of influential love and faith.

Continue and believe.

He’s got the whole world in His hands, always has, always will.

All is well.

Believing this, that’s what faith is for.

Complicated Soil

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(Growing by Dying – notes from a talk)

 

The first sketches I sketched as a young girl, were of trees.

I never thought I’d paint any other subject. I’m still surprised over the peace I experience in the process of portraying postures of women, redemptive,

It feeds my soul.

Tall pines, big oaks, pecan laden and my favorite in my grandmother’s front yard …the shade providing chinaberry.

Trees are complex. They aren’t easy to capture the likeness of.

I sat quietly in my “morning spot”, a chair in the corner of the living room, a chair that was my mama’s, that was fancy for her double-wide in the country.

She’d bought it at a yard sale. I grabbed it up quickly when she died, I wanted it to live with me, I wanted the beauty of her choosing a fancy chair for her not fancy home, to be something I would never forget.

In a way, a seed she left for me to believe that a life can be pretty despite poverty, that there is always opportunity to believe in finding beautiful things. 

I’ve had that chair since 2010. I have heard from God sitting there, thoughts formed, hopes and solutions have come.

I have prayed, I have cried, I have napped from exhaustion sitting straight up in this chair.

Before I knew, was tenderly surprised to be asked to speak here, God told me one morning, in a reply to my heart’s longing to know why it seemed I would never be enough, never achieve enough, never be able to see myself as healed and not a victim of so much and so many things. 

The words from God, the gentle awakening? 

“Lisa, your soil is not healthy.” 

Time passed and I sort of tossed the thought around. Thought of all the things I had planted through my life, my children, my marriage, my work for others, my art, my sharing of my words…

“Seeds” in a way, efforts and actual accomplishments that I contributed to the soil of my life, the things that were from my heart and my soul.

The truth of that very odd thought, my soil not being healthy,

simply would not fade. 

Months from the first wrestling to understand the meaning, I have begun to make sense of the strange statement.

So, I want us to consider whether our soil is healthy.

I googled “healthy soil” and “what causes trees to die.”

One answer drew me closer.

THE SOIL MAY BE COMPLICATED.

I made a list of complicated seeds in the soil of my life. 

One list, things and circumstances beyond my control, even generational curses and a second list of traits, qualities and choices I have planted and continue to plant.

I realized there were a whole bunch of seeds that needed to die, no longer needed my failing attempts to bring life from brittle seeds or to keep nourishing and watering what I selfishly or naively chose to decide had to live forever…

there were seeds of my sadness that needed to die.

There are seeds of my history that I’ve let mark and destroy my hope for far too long. 

Consider with me, what your soil, your soul is full of, seeds planted in you beyond your control and marked by sadness, trauma or likelihoods of how you might or might not grow.

Then consider what you’ve planted, tried to force the growth of or coddled and overwatered…

something that needs to be let go.

Because it’s not so much the THINGS that destroy us, stunt our growth, It’s the THING(S) UNDER THE THING(S)!

The seeds entangled in our roots.

My list: 

This process requires bravery. I’ll be brave first. 

SEEDS THAT MUST DIE TO ALLOW GROW

• SHAME that dies becomes freedom to live.

• SELF-DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS that are put to death give permission to receive abundantly and to believe you’re worthy to.

• UNWORTHINESS that dies leads to confidence/confident in God not others.

• ABANDONMENT that is allowed to die and be grieved leads to deeper trust and intimacy in relationships.

• VICTIM MENTALITY finally laid down leads to an ease in living and breathing and to breaking generational cycles, a legacy of safety and love uncompromised by negative mindsets.

• FEAR that doesn’t live but dies builds courage (quiet confidence is your strength, this is the way) keep moving steadily forward.

• NEED TO CONTROL given up from an unclenched grip to let die leads to surrender (open hand to heaven).

• BITTERNESS disallowed and put to death yields mercy toward others.

• JEALOUSY that’s snuffed out before it grows invites kindness and sincerity in our thoughts and words.

• COMPARISON that ceases breathing gives breath to abiding oneness and ownership of the uniqueness of you.

 

I began to research what the Bible says about seeds and found many passages.  I’ll just stick to the one familiar to many.

The Parable of the Seeds (the first recorded parable) 

“And he was teaching them many things in parables, and in his teaching he said to them: And as he sowed, some seed fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured it. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and immediately it sprang up, since it had no depth of soil.

And when the sun rose, it was scorched, and since it had no root, it withered away.

Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain.

And other seeds fell into good soil and produced grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold.”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭4‬:‭2‬, ‭4‬-‭8‬ ‭ESV‬‬

God is sovereign and very aware of the times, every detail of our lives.

When I began thinking of what to share in speaking to women, I had no plan to write about my mama’s chair or the beautiful growth I might see as I surrendered the seed of grief attached to the story of an old yard sale chair and allowed myself to see the beauty of me possessing it.

On the outside and above the gnarled and tangled roots, our lives like a tree may be spectacular or just seem healthy and vibrant.

In time though, the “COMPLICATED” soil of our souls may lead to decay, destruction, and depression. 

Every time we share our vulnerabilities lined up with our hopes for healing, we point someone else toward the path of fullness, light and redemption that they glimpse in us.

Truths on the significance of the soil of my soul being healthy, free of the thorns of despair or despondency over past wounds continue to reveal themselves to me.

Walking with my grandson, on the rocky clay road bordered by deep ditches and steep hills covered in brilliant moss, music from my phone in the atmosphere…I paused to shake off a heavy mood.

I quoted to myself a verse that’s meant to turn the tide, a proclamation…

No weapon formed against me shall prosper.

And I walked on, pushing the stroller, the little strawberry blonde head in my view, a pair of tiny feet bouncing to the beat of “Skip to My Loo”.

I walked slowly and thought…

But Lisa, what about the weapons you continue to turn on yourself.

And I stood still with the weight of that call to consider this truth.

Wounds are thorns that become tools, weapons of sorts for us to decide there’s no hope for us,

No outcome other than the expected one we’ve known, the time to grow is over

A life without woundedness is one you’ll never get to know.

There are some weapons we continue to use in fear because of proven past failures against the waiting patiently hope and permission to grow.

Wounds become weapons and weapons stunt our growth.

Wounds become weapons that we turn inward, that we decide are evidence that we’re not allowed to dream, disallowed from hope.

So ask yourself, message me and I’ll send you the tree as a prompt.

How healthy is my soil?

Which seeds are deep and should not be kept alive? Which seeds must die?

Is there woundedness in your life that you turn on yourself to stunt your growth, to destroy your hopes?

In quiet confidence is your strength…this is the way.

Walk in it.

 

Continue and believe.

You are loved.

 

 

 

 

 

This Wonderful World

aging, bravery, contentment, curiousity, Faith, grandchildren, memoir, Peace, Redemption, rest, Trust, Vulnerability, wisdom, wonder

“Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭9‬:‭11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Monday Evening

I’m curious which city might be for me. A city, I mean a large metropolis with streets, sidewalks, crosswalks, vehicles scurrying.

A city with windows of shops inviting in, with quick pauses not gazes inward so that I don’t cause a domino type cascade of collision because I actually stood quietly for too long.

In the mornings, some days I drive to the country road with no line in middle chunky asphalt and a deep sharp turn into valley and hill to my grandchildren’s home.

The deer alert me from a distance with the flash of their pupils. I turn and drive slowly.

They stand unfazed by the approach of me in my vehicle.

They pause. I pause.

We consider each other.

Gradual is their demeanor.

They turn to move, one, two and a third and they go on their way into what they must know is a friendly place, a refuge for them.

No need to flee. There’s not even the threat of one.

I wonder where the city may be, the one I’d love to be a resident of.

I did not love Denver.

I loved the road to get there, the road that led us through flat spaces with flatter fields and a feeling as if the highway opened magically just for us.

I loved the expanse of plump green grass in Colorado in the Spring.

I did not love the congestion and what felt like an imbalance of progress and poverty.

I do not like Atlanta.

Don’t want to go.

I love the idea of Charleston but don’t like the air of superficial quests on every corner.

I suppose I’m growing older and becoming even more the child of bare feet dirt roads.

And even less a traveler.

Even day trips to bordering counties.

Still, sweetly and deeply planted, refusing to fade, is the yearning to travel to Italy someday.

It’s a yearning not born of anyone else’s story.

Maybe a part of me like air in my lungs decided by the God who knows me and who knows.

There are places yet for you to see. Your journey is continuing.

Your dreams are dreams I’ve always seen.

Perhaps, in Italy there are dirt roads sprinkled with docile animals and kindred people who yet to encounter me.

And I, them. Kind intersections of somehow likemindedness.

And in a language without words our eyes might tell a story we decide we understand.

Until then, I’ll venture out to the country. I’ll walk on rocky roads. I’ll tilt my face upward with a little boy and I’ll wonder, just wonder where the jets are going.

I’ll stop my car in the middle of the narrow road at sunup or sundown and I’ll let the window down, aim my phone just so.

I’ll be captivated as I capture the wonder of this wonderful world.

And I’ll quietly imagine Italy.

Or maybe the high peaks of Denver, Braves baseball and pink houses with garden gates covered in moss on the skinny streets of Charleston.

Every place holds beauty.

Beauty longing to be noticed.

Presence

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I sat in the back next to someone I don’t really know. We shared a casual conversation about pimento cheese spread. Surrounded by art, the meeting’s agenda would be sharing a YouTube film on “beauty”.

We were offered pencils and a piece of paper to jot down thoughts, told to prepare to share in a group discussion.

The poet/researcher in the video mentioned God’s creation, spoke of God’s intent for not only artists, but everyone, to recognize the power of beauty as a way to change us internally and then effect those around us.

The couple just in front of me looked towards one another often in a likemindedness that matched the word “bullshit” he wrote and held up in front of her (and me).

They exited early.

I listened as others gave feedback, sprinkled around the room were comments about architecture, about culture, about our community, about horses.

I thought to add to conversation, to suggest they all begin to notice color and to, if they felt led, to ask God in prayer to help them see color.

I planned to share how this practice and prayer has been a reset for me, spiritually and creatively.

No one had mentioned God.

Three times, maybe four, I raised my hand to be called on.

I wasn’t acknowledged and decided to stay silent.

That it was not a time to speak.

“ a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3‬:‭7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

To keep the peace I’d acquired and allow it to be a presence without words.

To possibly be peace to others without using my words.

Did I but live nearer to God, I could be of so much more help.” George Hodges

This morning, a guest blog post on an author’s site has been shared. My words, added to her community of others writing about “beholding our beauty” in the places life places us. I was just so grateful to write inspired by Esther, her bravery and how bravery is a choice we can make every day, even if with uncertainty.

I encourage you to read not only my thoughts, but to engage in this community that Deborah Rutherford is so intentionally building.

My essay is here:

Behold Her Beauty

I woke thinking about the missed opportunity to share the way I’m encountering beauty in the colors of nature.

Today, I’ll add color to canvas and I’ll build on works in progress.

I’ll keep progressing, a pursuit of and with peace.

Prayer As Color

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We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I reached down to be sure what his little hand clutched. A tiny pebble under close inspection before he stood and let it go, flinging it with strong conviction into the wide grey sky.

We began our walk hoping to miss the rain.

We did.

The trail is new. The path is hilly but smooth, a firebreak for the wide field of brush and trees.

I had a sense I’d been trying to shake all morning, a feeling that even though all was okay, I better be ready for the day to change, for something to go the other way.

I’m writing less about my trauma, a blend of keeping quiet and of looking more closely at wounds than ever before.

Like a little boy inspecting a pebble or stick, I’ve been quietly inspecting the hurts I’ve known in a much more intentional way.

With brave curiosity and braver acceptance…stages of grief.

So, that ache of readying to be ready for something bad is familiar and not at all friendly.

We walked and held hands and watched from a distance

Until the gift of freedom and hope ignited the sweet “setting out” on his own steps of my grandson.

And the weight of worry began to lift.

And I breathed deeply.

Looked around.

Looked up.

Prayed silently.

Added music to our walk.

Reached down with curiosity to touch a mottled leaf to discover the other side, rich in the color of fresh blood, of wine, vibrant.

I slipped it in my pocket, little “H” reached for me, both arms up and I responded as we turned for home.

Sensing the comfort of God, the assurance my fears and protective patterns are not hidden, are well known

And nurtured by God in a way that no longer leads to shame.

My vulnerabilities with God are no longer perceived fodder for Him to refute my faith.

Instead, an invitation to grace and bravery

mercy extended to me by myself.

“Grandma day” mornings begin early. My quiet time is brief and blurry.

I opened my journal to jot February 28, 2024 to discover one sentence from yesterday.

“Jesus, help me to see you today.”

Knowing, suddenly He had.

He did.

The color red, the deep crimson colored leaf like aged wine had been poured for me, left in the dirt, on a long ago fallen leaf, a cup with just a sip waiting for me to drink.

I’d been asking to see color.

Yesterday, the request was different and the answer was love.

”Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.“
‭‭Jude‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Continue and believe.

You are loved.

Let The Light In

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Tiny tendrils, tender waxy strands

Breaking free from the thick ball of woodsy nourishment.

My hyacinth has bloomed.

Only $3.99 from Publix in a glass like one on a restaurant’s table

oil and vinegar.

I chose purple this year when I saw the sweet white bursting through the earth in my little spot.

A surprise from two years ago.

Now, the purple is vibrant.

The bulb strong and barely contained, a thick waxy color, aubergine.

The color I’d been seeking to add to the folds of a gown on a painting in progress.

A piece that once was muted grey, ivory and a hint of salmon is now bursting through in cautious but captivating color.

What’s going on, Lisa?

I suppose we shall see.

Days ago, I said a prayer that felt odd but honest.

God, help me to see colors.

Then, the scarlet cardinals came, the line of yellow daffodils against an old shed, the pillowy verdant green moss on the path and

Aubergine, also a name for eggplant is inviting me to see color as more than pretty,

As significant.

I asked to see color.

And color is surprising me with strength.

And light.

And imaginings of beautiful things.

Of unclouded days.

“The eyes of your spirit allow revelation-light to enter into your being. If your heart is unclouded, the light floods in!”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭22‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Mercy Waits

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Noticing God

“So now we draw near freely and boldly to where grace is enthroned, to receive mercy’s kiss and discover the grace we urgently need to strengthen us in our time of weakness.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4‬:‭16‬ ‭TPT‬‬

When we wake with the woe of what was imperfect the day before or with what we tripped and fell over in our wayward walking, we can acknowledge it all. We can feel all the feelings.

We can accept the mercy of Jesus, reach up and stand to go on the way again, the way to freedom, freedom that waits to save us from ourselves again.

Waiting

We can acknowledge that if it were just ourselves trying to recover, without the knowledge and embrace of His incomprehensible love, we’d not be who we are today.

I might not be here at all.

The smallest amount of believing in the promise of God’s love and mercy leads to overcoming life’s troubles, failures, and sorrows just as much as it does for the one who has never doubted at all.

Mercy meets us where we are.

The Veil

The ones at “the bottom” they’ve hit are just as cared for and cherished, significant in God’s eyes as those who’ve never known “bottom” experiences at all.

Can hardship, shame or regret be good for our souls?

Maybe, if we handle them gingerly like tiny little jewels worth sitting with and quietly considering the value of them in the exchange for the mercy that’s waiting there.

Waiting, always for our timid and tender open minds

Open hearts.

Open hands.

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4‬:‭16‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Continue and believe.

Choosing Not Chasing

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One of Twelve

This morning, the 2024 Winter Launch of The Scouted Studio is available! The Scouted Studio

Search for me by “Search by Artist” or enjoy them all.

Beautiful art, creative and diverse artists are contributing. 

Initially, my pieces were my trademark dark background, a bold color called “Payne’s Grey”. I struggled. The deadline was looming. I didn’t have peace and I did not feel hopeful as I sat sort of worried about what to do. 

I listened to my intuition, my gut, the Holy Spirit and with many layers and small edits, the backgrounds became more pure, a soft ivory with hints of shadowy blues, a hint of a torn piece of paper from a Bible, the word “hope” in every hem…hidden. 

Hope is hidden in each of us.

Another of the Twelve

This morning, I woke questioning whether I’d made a good decision for an upcoming art event or whether I had jumped too soon, chasing worthiness. 

Four things happened.

I woke to a song’s lyrics’ “you’re not finished with me yet.”, the sunrise through the gauzy drapes, Psalm 119 in a memory telling me God is good, and another thought, “you make all things new.”

“Your extravagant kindness to me makes me want to follow your words even more! Teach me how to make good decisions, and give me revelation-light, for I believe in your commands. Before I was humbled I used to always wander astray, but now I see the wisdom of your words. Everything you do is beautiful, flowing from your goodness; teach me the power of your wonderful words!“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119‬:‭65‬-‭68‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Then I created a cyclical graph to help it stick, the process for doing new things, things that may seem too scary, too uncomfortable or “too late” for you.

How to Do New Things

I’m certain this process is not just for artists. I hope it may help you. Feel free to keep it, share it, circle back when you need a reset.

We all do.

Continue and believe.

Making New Stories

Abuse Survivor, aging, Art, bravery, Children, confidence, contentment, courage, creativity, Faith, family, grace, hope, memoir, mercy, patience, Peace, Redemption, Teaching, testimony, Vulnerability, waiting, wisdom, wonder, writing

On Sunday, a sunny day, my granddaughter and I spread out paper, scissors and ModPodge on a towel. We tore pieces of abstract paintings I loved but had not bought by someone or maybe I’d forgotten I loved them.

We used little strips and squares of color to tell new stories. To allow a new voice to be heard.

Keep living, keep learning.

How God speaks is another mystery that woke me on Monday in the dark, a nagging lack because of hearing others say “God told me.” or “I heard God speak”.

I’ve not experienced God in an audible way.

I’ve heard stories that blow my mind of people who’ve been in situations in need of hope or redirection and God spoke. I’ve read and heard He “speaks” through His Word, both gently and firmly instructive.

I’ve heard about the still and quiet voice that comes and I believe I understand this one well

Me being quiet with no searching for an answer and a thought comes…

Comes in reply to a question that’s been nagging at me.

Once, that voice whispered in my the hallows of my chest…

“It’s gonna be alright.” and the rightness of every worry in my life felt captured in that comfort of a promise. It was a strong promise. I still treasure it.

I smile over it.

This morning, words came and to sum it all up, the words were

“Just keep learning.”

An encounter with a woman I knew from my executive days planted the seed from which this desire has begun slowly growing.

She noticed my artwork and then as she passed through the crowd to leave, said across the room…

“I just read your story.”

I was confused. How did she read the “Artist Story” I sometimes point to when people ask, “How’d you become an artist?”

Later, I realized she’d only read the sweet story of the “cake with you Mama day”.

And, I realized slowly, I was happy that’s the only story she’d read.

This morning, I thought, sensed the coming together of thoughts and God speaking…

It’s been enough time now, enough time has passed.


The story of how you “came back to painting” no longer needs to include the hard and horrible parts.

You’ve grown to dislike the telling of this story.

Instead, when asked, the answer could be…

I’ve been painting seriously about seven years and I keep growing and trying to make good choices.

I keep learning

And I am a student of that desire to keep learning. I have grown.

I am still growing. And that’s the only requirement that is given to me by myself…to be me as artist, writer, mother, wife, grandmother or friend…follower of Jesus.

To be brave enough

To keep learning.

(It may be time to add a chapter or replace the old one altogether, at least edit it with a pen called kindness.)

It may be time to “turn the page” to the beauty of my story with only a tiny nod to the ugly.

It may be time to stop circling back to the places you struggled, the places you failed and fell.

It may be time to say less.

It may be time to edit your story of whatever you’ve taken on as a measure of you finally not just battling in becoming

But arriving.

Motherhood
Author
Teacher
Settled Career
Wife
Friend
Ministry Leader
Artist
Chef
Athlete

Nurse
Husband
Girlfriend
Boyfriend
Instructor of Others

Retiree simply “being a light”
Aunt
Uncle
Counselor
Advocate

Son

Musician
Sharer of your life with others

Daughter

Student of whatever

You are arriving,

you can take a breath.

The only requirement God has is
A decision to keep learning.

To imperfectly decide

not to give up.

And to do so with love.

“…It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously— take God seriously.”

Micah‬ ‭6‬:‭8‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Curious about my art?

Quiet Confidence Art

Continue and believe,

LT