If you grew up worried, afraid, or insecure about life, even for brief moments; you are a tentative adult at times. You look back and remember times of vulnerability. If you’re like me, you found your bearings and even grew into a balanced human being whose memories are just a way to thank God for his grace and mercy. Your “go to” perspective giver is ” But for the grace of God…there go I.” Only occasionally do you return to the chubby shy little girl hiding behind your grandma. When you do go back to that little girl afraid of being seen, it paralyzes you for a bit as you recognize all too clearly that feeling of insignificance and unpredictable fear.
When something or someone causes this emotional regression, I am quick to identify it or them as an “insecurity button”. Here are a few of mine:
people who look at my shoes rather than my eyes
people who stand with their hands firmly by their sides when I initiate a hug
either of my children being looked over for something they deserve because this means I have not done all I can
people who enjoy my company one on one but ignore me in a group
people who tell me they will do something and then avoid me
people who are unable to listen if I open my heart because they have to “top” whatever I am sharing
people who lie so easily and so convincingly deny their dishonesty that I begin to doubt myself
I am vulnerable, but not defeated. I am quiet, but not intimidated. I sometimes feel unworthy, but know I’m treasured. I am a fat little girl in a woman’s body; but, my value is not based on that echo of my past. I am beautiful and worthy and most importantly I know my triggers back to the child afraid to be seen. I am a child of God and his love for me has surrounded me all my life …He has been with me all the while and I will forever praise him for seeing me through!
O Lord, You alone are my hope. I’ve trusted You alone from childhood.
My life is an example to many, because You have been my strength and protection. Psalm 71:5-7
Yesterday, I spoke to a group of philanthropic ladies, an opportunity to engage their support in our work for homeless moms. Five minutes before taking the podium, an acquaintance greeted me, both of us surprised to see the other. I smiled and greeted her, my body leaning forward arms reaching out to embrace. She glared, smiled tentatively and stood as still as a pillar. Awkwardly, I smiled and said ” Good to see you.” The insecurity button pushed I almost panicked, but then told myself…”there are women here who are open to your sharing…speak to them, embrace them!” I did just that and got a wink and “great job” as I returned to my seat.
Know your insecurities and your triggers for feeling “less than” but never let them stop you!
Know that God is with you and has brought you through whatever fears your story is made of.