I woke up feeling blah and my mind went back to a certain word.
I hear a word, find a word it’s descriptive nature so truthful, so perfect… that I go back and ponder its meaning.
Thinking, “Yes, that’s exactly what I meant, so clearly what I felt”.
I’m hesitant to say this.
Not everyone has a love for words like me.
Not all people are “noticers” as my friend who understands me says we are.
“We notice things.” he says.
We linger in thoughtful remembrance of meaning.
My children, when they were younger, rolled their eyes, groaned and said “Why do you always have to use such big words? Just use normal words!”
I refused to be swayed. “Why would we have words, if not to use them? If you have words, you should use them.”
This morning, I woke with a sense of apathy.
I used that word last week when describing my concern over tone in voice that had me worried, an impenetrable attitude, a denial of doubting; yett, their tone spoke a resigned disbelief in most everything.
I told my friend, “There was just such apathy in their voice.”
And then, another friend, I saw this forlorn resignation her face.
A face that’s been saying for so long, “All is well.” had changed just slightly, head tilted, eyes more downward.
Perhaps that day they woke with apathy…woke with indifference.
I heard apathy in the story of a child’s unthinkable choice.
Heard it in a story unexpected, tragic loss that made absolutely no sense. Heard it in the voice of a friend grieving.
Yesterday evening, the heavy stories piled up and I decided I must go for a walk!
I walked and was briefly a little better, guided by sunset horizon of rose-colored clouds.
It had been a while since sunlight.
My daughter, camera in hand, crouched in grassy roadside field taking photos
Seeing her, seeking beauty of light
Laughter, between us before bed as I disciplined my thoughts to continue towards hope.
Woke this morning and there it was to welcome me, apathy.
I woke with sense of “No need, doesn’t matter anyway”.
Woke with the notion that I’ve worn out my welcome at the feet of the father. That I’ve talked it to death, that I’ve become quite the nuisance.
The outcome’s been determined already anyway, why must you belabor the matter?
But then, my thoughts went to what I know, surrender and abiding.
I wondered how is apathy any different from surrender?
If I surrender, I trust.
If I surrender, I am remembering that God is Sovereign…yielding.
A surrendered heart is a heart with light, a heart that is resting, not doubting.
Apathy feels like God has done more than he should. More than He will, that woeful mindset of bad things already to come.
Apathy is darkness, doubt and disconnect. Surrender is abiding in light.
The light makes all the difference.
“And we thank Thee that the darkness reminds us of light.” T.S. Eliot