I am strangely becoming more settled.
Countering where I have been with the counterintuitive tilt of my thinking.
I’m sure it’s such a joy to be met by words proclaiming revelation or breakthrough.
Words that invite, oh, let’s watch her now, let’s see if she means it this time.
Then realizing where this morning has me is contradictory in a gradually huge way.
Gradual, a word that feels like ease. Feels like the quiet me.
Accountability matters to women, I read. It’s why we don’t talk about diets, don’t announce our goals, hesitate to bring notice to our habits.
Last year, around this time I decided I’d have a “breakthrough” year. I did and I didn’t.
I didn’t write the manuscript. I did not finish and have barely begun.
I regretted, I panicked, I wanted to hide and I considered all of the let downs.
Myself and others.
I wrote more. Had a chapter published in a book, my name on Amazon. I painted so much more. I read, I noticed God and I was given opportunity. Given not chased after.
I considered new perspectives.
I forgave myself over time.
Asked a friend to hold me accountable, the book and all…all.
A few days ago, I read a verse that most of us know.
I read it differently because of that peace, that change in perspective.
“Be still, and know that I am God! ”
Psalms 46:10 NLT
The weight of the words, more easy to know, the meaning slightly shifted either all of a sudden or have been all along.
The hashtag “breakthrough17” I boasted of this year enthused me early on and later led to hectic half-hearted writing and rushing.
Days were hectic, my writing a chore, a demand unmet and self-discipline became self-destruction.
I’ve been praying daily in December, equip me to write, help me to focus and give me words that heal not hinder, provide hope, not harm. Honest prayers.
The verse above I saw before of magnitude and strength, words that made sure I knew just how much God can do.
And I always focused on that and still do,
Still know that He is God.
But, as I sit this morning deciding to accept all I’ve not done thus far, I’m content in what has come already, what God has brought my way in ways of opportunities that have eased me forward.
Not pushed my way through…not at all breakthrough speed or fashion.
But, breaking through like the sunrise this morning, pink ribboned sky now fully shining and making shadows, warm and soft.
Yes, this is God’s way for me to see His plan, for others to see Him through me.
A dear, kind friend told me of visiting someone grieving this Christmas.
It wasn’t necessary or required he check in.
But, he did and she thanked him, adding she knew it wasn’t something he had to do.
His reply has changed my heart a little, has softened my striving, has granted me grace in all I’ve not done and had decided was failure.
“I didn’t stop by. ‘Someone Else stopped by through me.” J.
Oh, the humility of stepping aside while stepping towards what God designs.
His reply me that my work, my art, my words will fail me, will fail to come, will fail to find favor, if they are the measure of me.
Has reminded me to be still.
To be quiet.
To be confident in that quiet, that stillness.
He is God. Greater things are still to come.
Still, perhaps my word, “Still18”.