I fell asleep trying to remember what I’m supposed to do if my car starts to slide on the slick road touched by just a smattering of snow.
I believe I decided not to slam down on the brakes, not to jerk the wheel, to sort of allow the slide into a safe place to rest.
It’s a phenomenal occurrence, snow in southern South Carolina.
I made a plan, I’d just follow the pull and trust the direction.
My first thought in the dark of early morning deciding to rise or linger, “I’m not who I was.”
I asked my son last week, “Why do you think so many planes are skidding off the runways?”
And his analysis was different than mine, starkly different and obviously more expert in comparison since the only plane I’ve ever boarded was a crop duster with a farm boy hoping to impress me.
He said the runways are slick, it’s winter and the pilots in some foreign countries are simply not as well trained and perhaps, not as attentive or exact.
Slightly veering off course might be to be expected.
I met someone yesterday who wore the evidence of faith on her face.
Someone who’s appointment was timely, my faith faltering, getting off course and on the cusp of falling over fear’s cliff.
I’d not seen her in two years and our meeting had a serious purpose, still just as before we began to talk about our faith.
She’d had a medical emergency, simple procedure led to sepsis and she, according to the more skilled physician who she feels saved her life, had only a day between living and dying.
I told her I saw it, I saw how her eyes expressed the stillness of hope, the assurance of God, the unwavering trust in Him that caused her cheeks to be lifted happily, her jaw relaxed into a calm perseverance.
Her countenance had changed, a serenity from strength.
She thanked me, thanked me for noticing.
I wondered if she needed to be reminded or if she saw my need of reminding.
I sometimes do. I’m easily taken back to a place of unworthy, unable, incapable.
Powerful words have been spoken over me, for me, through me and yet, I feel less capable than ever before.
Trauma lingers, woven early on or fallen into as we go, sometimes our own fault, other times harsh circumstances from heavy, hate filled arms and loud voices.
She knew. We both know, hurts and harms linger and become the gauge for our worth and ability.
I teeter on the edge, close to going from not sure I can to despondent…oh, well I just won’t.
We walked together towards the door and embraced. I’m going to be praying for you, she said and I told her I’d be doing the same.
We both agreed that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, that God knows full well that He has good for us.
We agreed that Satan knows as well, just as well.
We carry doubts, fears, anxieties and insecurities that rush over us like a hard knock me down wave in the wide,wide ocean.
Facing the shore, considering all of the good things awaiting me, I stand solitary and stoic, convinced I will finally be the me God sees, then I feel the ocean underneath changing, pulling, pulling, pulling from behind.
Before, when I wasn’t who I am.
Do I surrender to the strong and angry sea hoping to level my soul, even drown me or do I turn towards the wave, confront its instigating and gracefully allow it to carry me forward, hold me in its strong embrace?
And realize I’m not so small, I’m strong.
I’ll be strong, I’ll be stronger than I’ve ever known.
“My steps have held fast to your paths; my feet have not slipped. I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words. Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings, from the wicked who do me violence, my deadly enemies who surround me.”
Psalms 17:5-9 ESV
“I’m not who I was.” my waking thought and now that day is done and
I’m safely home, not skidded off track or pulled back by the hand of doubt, my destination still, with God, my faithful pursuit.
Today, a good day, with just a smattering of snow.
Today, even more distant from who I was and closer to who God has me to be.
The apple of His eye.