I love when the words mean what I recalled them meaning, when they fit “just so” like an extra throw pillow placed to complement the look.
Stand back, content in everything coming together, settling into what is needing to be seen, understood.
I rearranged the guest room, the place I call my “writing room”. Simple before, yes. Colors that were meant to calm, I’ve changed to vibrant.
Photos all over the place, one of my daddy in Hawaii in a Hawaiian shirt standing next to a horse on widest looking ocean shore!
The thought of it always fascinates me. He in Hawaii with my mama.
Another of my Heather at the County Fair on the back of a pony, sweetest, biggest smile, her blonde hair wispy about her face and the denim of her overalls making her blue eyes pop!
Austin as a toddler bent over to drink from a garden hose, his hair combed and fresh from his bath, summer evening, I let them play ’til late during that season.
I had a parenting revelation last week. I made note of my need to “commend” them to God. I loved the word, how perfectly appropriate it seemed for parenting adult children.
Commending them to God, simply means recognizing my part’s been done, I now turn them over to God for the rest.
He gave them to me, entrusted me with their care, now requires I commend them to him, a requirement that means freedom, not a task; but, one of those things you see clearly God meant as a gift.
Then, another exchange, my child, my teacher again with words with others.
I’d been using a word that again I decided was just right! I’d been talking to other moms, one of them my sister, another my cousin. I’d come to understand I must let my children “individuate”, to be who they wanted to be.
Crazy how a psych major didn’t remember all the research, all the big deal damage discussed about parents who fail to allow it.
Strange, I know and I’ve known this all along; just hadn’t used the descriptor that research has recorded volumes of work on.
Parents who don’t allow their children to individuate are damaging their boys and girls, setting up patterns mostly negative and rebellious, even destructive emotionally.
“Webster” helped me here and I jotted my version, “allowing someone to become themselves”.
Hand in hand, commending them to God, entrusting them to God come what may and come what will based on their minds, their hearts, their abilities and even their wills that I pray come to a place of lining up with His.
I wasn’t always the best at this. I understand why. Call it culture or background or dogged determination to parent differently than we were, I was prone to being ever aware of everything and my children’s successes and their very living and breathing was an absolute thrill to watch.
A thrill-seeking thing!
My son came home to get his guitar, wanted to have it at school. I imagined him playing, was so very excited he’d be picking it back up!
I softened my response though, decided this was not about me. This is his deciding to play around with the guitar because he wants to, not because I thought it was cool, or because my daddy played guitar or because I’d arranged lessons before or even because he knew how much I loved hearing the sounds down the hall.
No, I buffered my excitement. I decided to let this be his, not mine.
My daughter is so very talented in lettering. We could be “creatives” together. I had our signature down pat and our little logo “HB-LT”. She, the words, I the art.
But, she said not now, mama and I’ve surprised myself by not begging, insisting, making it about me and my idea of her.
Because, I see they are quite okay on their own and I am learning to wait for my lovingly sought after intrusion, for invitation to give insight and even tougher, to know when to insert my knowledge, my advice.
Parenting adult children, I decided is tough because you don’t get to see their faces every day, you don’t have the absolute comfort of “eyeballing” them as a way to tap into intuitiveness to allow your mind to rest from all the stories it writes in their living elsewhere.
They are to be entrusted to God and the good things of their choosing, chosen by God, not me, for them.
“…they commended them to the Lord, on whom they believed.”
Acts 14:23 KJVA
Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee at Tell His Story. visit here: http://jenniferdukeslee.com/which-voice-do-you-hear/