Two or three things stuck last week, adding to the mix even more this morning and now, afternoon as well.
The first is the perspective changer that uncertainty is a gift, an absolute gift.
Uncertainty, held by grace.
Last week, I berated myself out loud to another, her commentary brought new perspective, brought me to consider a kind response.
To realize I had not been “resourced” back then to choose alternate responses.
Too much wrong food, buying stuff just because and giving in to a pattern as if there was no other way but back and so scared I might be moving in reverse not forward.
“Coping mechanisms” she called my overindulgence(s).
You’re self-aware, you’ve called yourself out this time, that’s progress.
You’re not stuck.
“Oh.” I remembered later, what a gracious choice. What a gracious idea giving permission to mess up and even more so, a prompting to step surely and rightly again.
I’ve been talking about turning 60 for months now, anxious that I might not do the things I said I was gonna do when I was a year younger than I am now.
I’ve got about 30 months to 60 and I guess about 900 days. I’m no math person, let me use my words.
Words are my thing, not numbers.
Wondering if I will, uncertain if I can.
Impatient to see what I will.
If you’re Southern you might remember a ready reply your mama, your grandma or grandpa would give in reply to whether and when.
Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise!
What might happen depending on God being willing and I imagine whoever started this go to reply, the road might have been impassable, their door might have guarded the way out and they may have decided not today, gotta wait for the creek to settle, gotta wait for the water to flow back downstream to the river, to the sea.
Gotta wait for the settling.
Today, I read about the woman in Proverbs again, the passage that tells a son what to look for in a wife. The verses are filled with guidance, the descriptive nature often causes wonder of worth.
Today though, one part stuck.
“She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.”
Proverbs 31:16 ESV
The part about considering, about patient wonder, about tentative even proceeding.
About waiting patiently for an undertaking, taking graceful steps towards uncertain yielding of creative crop.
Giving myself a pass on not perfecting.
I hadn’t cooked for days. My husband was having omelets, pb&j’s and pizza from a box.
I’ve a meal in the oven now, rosemary roasted turkey, potatoes and carrots to be beside asparagus drizzled in butter and warm grain rice.
An assignment for a magazine had me insecure and regretful, due tomorrow, 1000 words for a hundred.
I find a little teacup and steep the bag in steam and down the hall I go and I pray
Father, help me to write the words that someone is needing, that they read my words and begin to be better.
Because of mercy, Amen
I go back for the tea, meet the waiting laptop and the notes scribbled and scattered and I read, I read before I write, the little teeny words on a square on a string I’ll tear off and keep.
And now, the article is done, pool time and blueberry creamy coolness to be followed by dog walking and sky studying.
Sunday, oh, Happy Day you have been!