“…let not your hearts faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them;”
Deuteronomy 20:3 KJV
Sometimes I think of Jesus being next to me there, wherever there might be.
I think of my hand held still by my side, Him holding it to keep me from being overly talkative, “talking too much with my hands”.
I think of my mornings when things make more sense and I sense His presence as if the chair next to me that rarely seats a soul, might be Him with me, He might be seated there.
I think of the way I believe in angels now. Until I began to paint them were so insignificant, were not reality for me.
The same God in that childhood church that confused me, made me believe, for me He just wasn’t there, is the one who is ecstatic now over me, ecstatic that I am understanding grace and mercy and that I believe!
Lord, what is my place in this, what is my role in this time, this question of staying in my place or climbing carefully to higher places knowing you will not let me fall?
And what should be my response if I am to put one foot in front of the other and then am unable to move on, overwhelmed by the fear of being farther than before?
Asking myself why on earth did I climb way up here, how embarrassing that I can’t move because I’m worried I’m going to fall.
Yesterday, I thought of grace. I saw it on another’s face and I felt it when I stood behind a podium and my voice, I sensed was making waves like the threat of undercurrent, a dangerously coming high tide.
I initially called it nerves.
I’d been sitting and waiting for my name to be called to stand and to speak, to make a plea for our cause.
I told myself on the drive over, this is important, this is so important and then decided on it being for less and yet, so much more.
Told myself, this is for the children.
The children labeled homeless.
The matter was important. I took my notes and laid them there, all numbered in sequence to refer to, only seven points.
My nerves, I decided were passion.
Although I did not realize it then.
I paid no attention to my notes.
I spoke from a place, it must have been trust. I do not know what the outcome will be. I find it so “un-me” when it comes to asking for money.
I do know I felt it.
I felt God’s grace.
A humble and quiet chubby girl, a poor child faced a room filled with philanthropist women.
And she spoke. She was able to stand and she spoke.
Grace doesn’t promise winning proposals or submissions.
It does say “Try, I will be with you.”
And it silences the voices that say you don’t belong.
Grace reminds of God’s favor while unconditionally insisting that some fears might not go away, but try…
Grace says try.
It is both necessary and unnecessary in that we must embrace it and surely we must remember it did not and does not have to be given.
It is not necessary.
But, it is good.
It is good that His grace always stays.
Imploring us to new places and making new spaces we will walk in and can be sure they are wide, so very wide it is impossible for us to fall!
But, to try.
Try because well, grace is waiting to remind us, try.