Maybe knowing God is better than knowing me.
I found this accidental photo just now.
Funny how it happens, happenstance making sense.
Last night the air cooled slightly after just a showering of a misty rain.
I walked, listening again to informative content on the number of me, the Enneagram 4.
I finished up my walk, showered, ate, settled on the sofa and with nothing else worth my time, watched college softball’s big game.
I’d seen a young woman earlier, she made it to collegiate level and now she tells me she’s expecting her third baby.
She continues to ask how I’m doing, what I’m doing,
how I’m feeling in my new role, “#goingbygrandmanow”
I tell her it has been an adjustment, some things not easy.
I add when I see baby Elizabeth all of my anxiety fades.
She smiles. “Oh, I forgot something!” she says in her excited and bubbly way.
We are standing in the crowded post office and she begins to talk about church.
She tells me about their sermon series and how it was suggested everyone find a “spiritual mentor”.
She has chosen me, says I was her first choice.
Of course I said yes and I’d call her for coffee and yes, we can talk about Jesus.
I was not prepared at all.
Should I have answered no, I wonder?
Should I have said “Oh, I’m not the one, you just don’t know!”?
Because I’m not feeling so suitable for such a place in another’s life now.
I walked and thought again about validation, understanding my tendencies a little more and thinking I should ask a professional…
Is this a breakthrough for me? Have I figured out something transformative and new?
Do I seek not only the validation of the positive of me but, also habitually choose the patterns I know that sustain the negative of me?
Thereby destroying any possibility that life can be different, can be better?
Is this typical I wonder, for anyone approaching 59, knowing 60 is just up ahead?
I believe we’re inundated with advisors and we are at a loss over whose truth to soak in.
Someone wants to edit my website, has a proposal she wants to present, claims she can make me more visible, increase sales, build my numbers.
A creative has seen my art, beckons me to join her next series of marketing courses. I consider, almost jumping in, signing up for yet another hope that feels false after a bit.
They’re a business after all, I tell myself.
I unjoined a writing community, yet the content continues to come.
And yet, writing and painting don’t hold the same place in my heart as before.
Have become like a chore.
This morning I made a list of concerns lined up with contentment, two columns, thing is nothing was listed under contentment at all.
Yesterday, I heard a mom talk of her little girl’s big girl dreams and goals. I smiled as I listened to how she was schooling her own mama in teaching her marketing strategy.
This child already knowing the value in believing she is capable and she can do anything when she combines her confidence with her courageous talent and selling of her self.
But, maybe it’s different for some.
Maybe I’m one of the some.
Maybe nothing more than now is the best place for me. Maybe I’ve blinded myself of the goodness of God by seeking what everyone else says is better.
What if we overwhelm ourselves with so many virtual mentors we lose ourselves in their midst?
God spoke to me this morning saying it is okay to consider the wisdom of others but you must never forget the wisdom you’ve found of me.
Your one story is now shelved because you have filled your mind with the details of so many others’.
Your fear has unintentionally buffered your courage.
So, there comes a choice to be made, slow down and take a breath.
Eliminate the unnecessary content.
Listen to God more than anything or anyone else.
It happens when you don’t deny the evidence of that.
A friend of your daughter says be my spiritual mentor and unknowingly prompts your return the place you had left.
The place where one person in this great big world sees you face to face and says I want to know the Jesus you know.
“Is that possible, do you think?” she asks.
And I answer, “Yes.”
It is possible.
I’m thinking of my grandmother this morning who was industrious and talented but rarely talked about her craft.
She created intricate Christmas ornaments from discarded jewelry. She boxed her creations up in big flat boxes and her work room was a dresser and a bed.
She made deliveries to people who paid her and I suppose she was known for her creations.
But, I never remember anyone encouraging her to go bigger, maybe put a sign up in the IGA or even an ad in the Statesboro Herald.
She provided what was requested of her. She was compensated, yes; but, only enough for what she needed.
She was content in the act of creating, it was her independent venture that I saw, that instilled in me the truth of possibility.
My grandmother taught me that being yourself is all you need.
Is there a book in me?
Will a gallery be inclined to display my art?
Will I be a better me or finally decide I’m enough as I am?
Content in the waiting as I rest in what comes not forced or rushed and be amazed by paths crossing and opportunities that unfold unexpectedly.
Next week or the next I’ll have an iced coffee with “Sam”.
I may tell her what a mess I was when I saw her or I won’t.
I may just tell her what I was learning on that and any other day.
Learning that the advice I need is found in the quiet place beside my bed or in the wide sky, the bending road or in the palms of my beautiful granddaughter’s hands.
God is everywhere, I will tell her.
Continue and believe, I might add.
Knowing God is better than better knowing me.
Learn as you go.
I’m on the morning road to my daughter’s, her husband’s, Elizabeth’s home.
The fog is lifting.
Remembering the thing that God just told me, an awakening of sorts and how one day I may tell Elizabeth or not.
How her grandma began to come into her own…
Maybe just live it intentionally for her to see.
Rest in this self awareness you’ve so keenly acquired and continue now easily into the you God has always known.
Discard all calculations to change your course or set new direction.
Become who you were becoming the very day you were born, God’s unique and capable child.
It is well with your soul.
It is well.