What is your filter through which you see?
Two days ago I chastised myself for being selfish.
My quiet time was altered, I longed for a thing I got and when it required so much of me shifting my attention, I got a little hopeless, got a little embarrassed and considered I’m not capable after all.
Then I added to the dilemma, rationalizing my pitiful. It makes me anxious, it feels like attack, I got bitten one time, remember, by a crazy German Shepherd…!
I’m ashamed looking back that I considered my home should not be his.
I’ll not linger here. Let’s just say there was justified shaming and the shaming and the perspectives of those giving it were, well…accurate.
Point taken. No need for further discussion.
It didn’t really hit me until we were alone, the pup and I and over and over my mind verified.
“Selfish, so selfish, so selfish.”
When I told my husband beseeching his understanding…”He won’t even let me read my Bible!”
There was no reply from him other than “Give it time.”
So we bonded that evening, I cleaned up from his accident and then bathed him. (The pup not my hubby😊).
Then a crazy crazy thing happened to say don’t get cocky here, there’s still work to do and patience required.
A blue jay was trapped on our screened in porch. I stood to watch it up high in the corner, turned to get the broom to shoo it to freedom, instead it landed even more trapped behind the grill.
In seconds the puppy pounced!
I freaked out.
This situation grew more intense despite my screaming as the puppy ran through the door and to a private place to finish, to end it.
Crazy how I tried to pry the bird free, pulling nothing from the puppy’s locked jaws but cobalt blue, grey, black feathers.
I was beside myself. There’s a reason my daughter calls me the “crazy bird lady”.
It’s not because of my crazy but my crazy love for birds, my captivating interest in seeing them as if they are my messengers.
The bird was gone, totally gone and in the belly of the pup.
Apparently this is a thing. Google confirmed it.
Although I kept repeating to my husband “He ate a live bird!!!! That can’t be okay.”
It happens. He pooped it out the next day and it was regular, no obvious little bones or feathers.
Thank you, Jesus for that mercy.
So, this perspective thing. I won’t get into too much and thereby add to my shame. My daughter has a newborn. She reminded me about commitment, patience, adjustment.
She also said “Well, you’ve got a huntin’ dog.”
Her husband added in his sweet loving his mother in law in all her exaggerations and crazy ways way…
“Puppies do those things.”
My son’s perspective,
“Dogs will be dogs.”
I’m working through some things I have learned in the last year about the perspective of one who experienced trauma.
Trauma is the reason for so many reactions; but, it can’t become your rationalization for inappropriate behavior.
At the same time it matters. It is a part of my texture, can’t be unwound, unthreaded, “unhappened”.
“My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:20-23 ESV
Puppies nip at body parts because that’s what puppies do. It is play. Puppies do not pounce or bite because they know you’ve been backed into corners and pounced upon by big evil mean dogs who were men.
Our reactions must shift.
My perspective must not default in every situation back to fear, to anxiety to trauma.
More importantly we can’t use our trauma as a scapegoat for unpleasantries about ourselves we’d prefer not to admit.
Like giving up on a commitment or a goal.
Like being afraid when fear makes no sense at all.
Like claiming attack when no one’s against you, you just are still craving rescue.
Still looking in the wrong places to be found.
So, the perspective is shifting. No need to fight anymore. You’re a victor not a victim.
If you’re reading this and thinking that’s ridiculous that she’s comparing trauma to an uncontrollable puppy.
It is ridiculous; but, it’s also real and it’s also changeable when we choose to see from God’s perspective.
The intent of past trauma is to change your perspective of every single soul you encounter from hope to fear.
The enemy longs to keep us tied to fear and sometimes the enemy is deeply embedded.
That is, until we get brave and sick of fear.
I am almost 8000 words into the book God has formed in me about my past trauma(s).
I have finished the proposal and it just waits now for editing.
The original idea was an expose’ of trauma and all the ones who I felt needed reminding in case they needed to remember what kept them from saving me back then.
Sigh, what an undeserving unnecessary story.
That’s not the idea now.
It’s honest and it’s a perspective that calls me out in the horror of it all and more a tribute to the “Jesus in them” despite of it all.
It’s not a shocking story, more a settlement of my story and the redemption and hope waiting us all.
Charlie the pup lies beside me all curled up.
Shortly, I’ll head to my desk to pray and then edit. He will curl up in the corner next to my feet and he’ll be with me.
With me as I change my perspective of victim of trauma to brave child of God and optimistic survivor.
Trauma is a mercy reference.
Oh, and hey…
Happy Independence Day!