How do you continue in a pursuit, something you feel in your soul is yours God gave you, made you to do?
Vocation, talent, thing that when it “clicks” feels like your gift?
How do you keep going when whatever is taking you farther has hit a bump in the road, a stall?
You don’t think right away and resist the realization, God is intentional when He slows us, requires our acceptance of the shift, the limbo, other adjustments we resist.
We want to use what we know, learn from others, humanly input some change to eliminate the insecurities in the lull.
I do anyway.
Partly, y’all. I just turned 59, I waited a long time to believe I had what I call a share-worthy treasure.
My testimony. My story.
My art and my words.
I make lists every morning, both tasks and requests of God longing to be farther along, a little perplexed over do I continue or surrender the idea of possibility.
My mama always said,
It’s all in it!
And I knew it was true but I dreaded her truth, keep on or stop, just know some days you’re floating and others you fight to swim.
I guess bravery keeps swimming, doubt watches from the shore.
I journal little exhortations to myself I hope I may remember an hour later.
Why are we uncomfortable with the state of limbo, I wonder.
Just now, I’ve explored website options for my art and whether I should bring all my pieces home from where I’ve consigned them, lay them down for new photographs and then create a presence, a polished website.
I dream of being selected by a gallery as an artist but I’m not ready or respected without a website.
I’ve just stood with my feet on the rain soaked grass and pondered my day, my ways.
What about the book idea? What about the proposal out there, the query?
I’d rather be an artist. If I’m honest, that’s what I’ve dreamt to be, meant to be?
I’ll finish the remaining seven chapters and then I’ll edit too much me out and then I’ll mail the perspective chapter’s inspiration to each of the women who I’ve set out to honor, to write of their being Jesus to me.
Then, I won’t hold my head down in regret or humiliation over thinking publication might be possible.
I’ll rest in acceptance and I’ll close that door.
Limbo is miserable, waiting is an invitation to toss everything and permission to be satisfied with that discarding.
Then the thought, but your story is for others handicapped by traumatic experiences who need your voice, your choice to seek hope over remorse.
That’s what I’ve always felt God said when He told me this was my treasure.
So, today I will continue. I’ll do one thing at a time.
I will pray and the thing I’m to continue will come naturally.
Naturally, when I don’t look too far ahead and I let God, not me, lead.
I don’t really understand this thing called a calling or being “called” or following a “call”
I told God so this morning.
Is my pursuit to be less about a pursuit guided by a list every morning?
Maybe so and maybe that’s the reason I’m increasingly captivated by His sky?
How silly and such a waste of time would it be for me to stare up towards heaven, backyard, walking trail, parking lot at the mall?
Me, oblivious to anything or one, being pulled upward, seeking, finding, being better, stronger and more suited for His plan?
There has to be a reason my head keeps tilting skyward.
“I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 3:14 ESV
My birthday card from my daughter, her hubby, their baby daughter was a treasure this year!
It wished me, “a rare bird” a happy day. Then the puppy somehow finagled it loose from its frame, found a hidden spot and began at the corner, chewing at the pretty paper.
I was upset. I overthought it. I called the puppy a demon dog with evil intent. I put it away in a drawer, nothing could fix it.
I told my daughter and she allowed my pitiful story. Said she’d get me another and later told me to frame it, what a memory, what a good story!
I told her no, not funny.
Then I did, I framed it, the card with the little birds and the perfect sentiment and the bottom corner imperfect and chewed.
I asked God this morning to bless my writing and to bless my art.
I’m not sure I’ve asked that of Him before. Asked for redirection where I need it, for His gentle push to persevere and a sense of gentle settling when anxiety asks what is coming.
And I asked him to be my editor, to edit me and my story and to help me to know
Am I being led another way or am I running scared? Are you changing my course or am I jumping ship? Am I stubborn child or a patient learner?
Lord, I want to honor you with my life, my words. Help me to edit my story.
“ Be still, and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10 ESV
It’s raining now, no sky captivated staring today.
Maybe later. Yes, later.
And more and more, less list obsession and more seeing, knowing, being pursued by God.
I’m linking up at Tell His Story, a community of writers led by Mary Geisen.