I walked although I didn’t feel okay, not okay enough to walk and believe it’d make it all okay.
Strange how a thought can be powerful and then have no truth at all, none.
On the way to church this morning, I decided I was strong back then, I just didn’t know it.
I decided I oughta be able to rewrite some things told me, a common trauma therapist response.
Meant to let the one bound by past trauma be excused, let off the hook…you couldn’t leave because you didn’t know you could.
“You weren’t equipped…you weren’t equipped to seek help. You weren’t equipped to leave.”
Strange how sure I was in my conviction that such a thing should never be spoken to one kept captive by abuse, medicated and numbed incapable.
Sure enough I decided that bit of therapeutic prescription should never be used, that instead we should be saying.
You are capable of change, have deep down inside a reserve of ability to run and not return, that you do have choices and at any given time you can strike out towards safety, towards love and your very own freedom.
But, something shifted, put me back in that beaten place, caused me to doubt my significance and for whatever reason I couldn’t shake it and I didn’t believe walking would help.
But, I walked anyway. I walked at an easy pace. I felt the ache of heavy legs, knees getting old and instead of being mad about it, I slowed.
I walked slowly.
The clouds, the sky, the dusk all spoke.
You are able. You are equipped.
Why did I suddenly out of the blue stop my believing in possibility?
And then believe again.
No telling really.
Other than the sky saying it’s all okay and you’re right, you were right in your thoughts about strength and freedom and choice.
You are equipped. You always have been.
So, I walked into the dusk buffeted by clouds like bird feathers, swept up like open hands toward heaven.
Made me think of hope.
Caused me to know I am able.
Free now although not free then.
Continue and believe.
If I could say anything to one trapped by abuse or manipulation or addiction forced upon them at the hands of a possessive, abusive partner, I’d say with all assurance, “You are equipped, you are able, you do have a choice…now, go and keep going.”
This I believe and it’s making all the difference for me.
I believe now, I was equipped. I was able.
I’m certain of it.