Does your soul have a longing unnamed or one you’re afraid pales in comparison with bigger in proportion things of these days?
Is it so buffered you feel only the hint of needing its revealing or do you not fully know what calls for your attention?
Is there a secret you’d just as soon prefer keeping it mysterious, untended?
I thought of the way the tide pulled on my ankles, caused me to brace my feet, tighten my calves.
Of the way a weighted blanket felt the first time I tested it, strangely it gave me no comfort, its undeniable entrapment.
I thought of the struggle of heavy load carried on my back, telling myself stand up straight or like walking up a steep hill, leaning forward to make it and of remembering it’s better to let my legs do the work.
I longed to understand the unnamed source of burden, the vague melancholy on an ordinary and pretty pleasant Sunday.
I’d turned away from the few seconds of news, breakfast had been good, the worship music and message of the faithfulness of God was uplifting, exciting even!
A day filled with freely finishing paintings, three pieces sealed.
Yet, there was something I was keeping secret from myself, something longing to be revealed in a quiet conversation with God.
I prayed, hoping prayer would lead to nap. The quilt was cool, the whole house silent. Sundays are for resting, a day designed to nap.
Closing my eyes, it came, the invitation to surrender that secret longing, question, the wish for control I could no longer hold.
Then, peace not in a joyous way, just peace that invites the way to a settled soul.
The prayer I prayed, it will remain secret. The prayer you pray, that thing you don’t feel is suitable for sharing, ranting over or pleading for understanding, it can be secret for you, between you and God.
I wondered this morning if we’re all being forced to stuff down the sweet sorrows of our souls in light of the horrific strife and pain we’re inundated with.
I wonder if we all could use a silent place, a curling up to nap, a respite from the angry destruction we’re praying for God to heal and yet, sweeping under the rug our deepest hopes and fears.
A tender hearted prayer may be what you need. One that will surprise as the burden you’ve been carrying, the one that felt ominous and unnamed, will come to the surface for expressing and God will answer sweetly.
Sweetly, the well of just a few tears will puddle.
“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”
Psalm 56:8 ESV
And you will feel better, begin to be relieved. Your tears, the evidence of clarity and the proof of your Father’s already knowing.
Last week, I watched “The Shack”, a movie based on the book. There’s a garden scene towards the end. Mac is helping to tend the garden along with the actor representing the Holy Spirit. A tiny bottle is emptied of what represents all of Mac’s tears and the garden rises up, flowering in color.
I read the book years ago, three people suggested the movie. I thought it might be “hokey”. I found it to be tenderly redemptive, like a sweet secret prayer, a long and safe hug.
What is the source of your mysterious heaviness, maybe concealed by the “in our ears” worry and fear inducing content?
Get quiet. Allow God to help it surface and then listen softly with private tears.
You’ll feel known. Better. Lighter.
What’s your secret wondering, your thing that compared to others seems a tiny trouble, so insignificant you don’t dare share it. God knows, he waits to help you be enlightened. He waits to surface alongside you the underneath things, the secret waiting to be found.
The one that begs surrender, to invite acceptance and meander towards peace.
I wonder how big is your bottle?
Continue and believe.
Linking up with other writers as we all move towards autumn with hope. We endured our Spring, our Summer. I have hope we can all move quietly into Fall as we welcome needed and long anticipated change.
Read here: https://marygeisen.com/august-musings-2020