A ladybug landed next to my boot camp exercise mat. The heavy bar for chest lifts and the wayward yoga ball were waiting for the next series of reps.
I should’ve stayed home.
I should have skipped this class. Vague queasiness threatens as I move from crunches to cardio. I feel my neck tighten and I fear the later headache.
Slowly, then kindly to myself I say, “Breathe, breathe.” The little ladybug still sitting near as I speak kindly again, “Breathe again, slowly and intentionally. Soon you will see, the fearful feelings are fading. You will see. It is good to be here.”
Isolation never suggests we challenge ourselves.
Isolation loves the lingering in the same place, same way of being. We convince ourselves it’s the safe place, even the stoic choice more than seeing it as a settled stagnation.
We fear change.
Early yesterday, the rain began with a whoosh of wave, heavy early as I woke, no need for my alarm for an 8:00 meeting for breakfast.
In a very gentle way, God has been telling me to be with others, to step back into life, towards even greater healing and to love others, unafraid.
It began with breakfast on Thursday and again on Friday. Later today, a third time to be with a friend among other women, lots of them.
I’m not naturally social. Still, I knew I’d been becoming way too alone.
Even for me.
It was God who told me to be with others again, to embrace what is theirs to give, to give some parts of myself in exchange.
I feel God beside me.
On my left wrist I’ve been marking a Sharpie’d cross, I sense a strong hand holding, a with-ness as I go, a never letting go.
I sense God with me as I go although I don’t know quite where I am going or how my going will change me.
I sense a rising up in my soul, to greet the greater things, leave the lesser things already learned behind.
There is more. There are greater things.
Thank you for helping me, God, for being my helper.
Thank you, Lord.
My resistance to a life lived fully has lessened. The moving from isolation is an invitation I’m responding to, a sweet and invigorating choice.
Now, the Saturday sunshine dances on the weave of my blanket. There’s an energy uplifting.
A dance that says “join me”, it’s safe to step in.
Life’s a dance, right? At least according to Garth Brooks
Learn as you go, just please keep going.
“fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10 ESV