Yesterday, the tiniest of yellow leaves were dancing down around my friend and I. We were happy to be likeminded over loving the frenzied leaves falling down, likeminded in our acceptance of our imperfections and our wonderings. We didn’t say so, but now
I think we both were thinking likely, of grace.
November, I welcomed you! Hard to say clearly why. Surely it’s not the hustle and bustle of holiday coming that makes holiday so unholy, so hurried and so “un” divine.
October felt so lengthy, intense, its work , its worries and its waiting.
November, for some reason felt like corner turning, drawing nearer to the fruition of a more solid settling.
And then yesterday and later, I heard of death by suicide and I read a sister’s story of her brother’s too soon death due to addiction.
I couldn’t, can’t stop thinking of how haphazard life can be, how some of us get tripped up and fall and get back up and safely carry on.
Sadly, not all.
Some make it, find the resolve to continue, and the continuation of that resolve, in increments assures no more falls.
It’s a precarious world we’re slap dab in the middle of. My friend and I talked, yesterday because we’re aware, we’re not able to avoid or willing to turn blind eyes.
We’ve had people in our midst, their struggles are more than just speculation or someone else’s issue. We are with others and we have seen evidence.
Evidence of hopelessness. Evidence of fear. Evidence of doubt and evidence of destruction slowly through either addictive indulgence or addictive control or addictive forlorn failing feelings.
Either way, it seems hope is in high demand, kindness, persistence, refusal to avoid and if you can, when you can just demonstrate deliberately that you care.
Sometimes, though it’s not that simple. Your kindness is less than a drop in a deep ancient well.
You do what you can, keep dropping your love there.
I’m still happy it’s November despite learning of new deaths.
I’m still happy for November and Saturday and the way the cold caused my toes to curl when I let the dog out.
Happy that I spent time reading my Bible, not scanning, delving deeply in to what Paul told Timothy and what God told him to tell me.
We still have this hope. That Christ died for us so that we could live, not so that we could be perfect or withstand all our falls from grace and flat on our faces falls; but, so that we would see His face when we pick ourselves up to rise.
That we’d continue to do our best.
That we come closer to an understanding of our lives here, our lives are meant to be His, to be lived out based on our rescued from the fall, faith.
Maybe through us, others will see grace.
Maybe through others we see it too.
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.”
Galatians 2:20-21 ESV
There’s an old hymn we used to sing called “People Need the Lord”. When I was a member of the choir, I’d suggest we sing it more. There didn’t seem to be a Sunday someone might need to know and believe that in these days, we need the Lord.
We’re not able on our own.
We live in a world of simply not knowing what may come, whether someone we love might fall.
Remembering now the sister’s heartbreak over her brother and another’s trauma that has her trapped in a deadly self harm cycle, I wonder if my words are unwelcome, if my hope will be a hindrance, hokey.
I understand. Grief is not a quick thing, hope is not on grief’s horizon. If it’s anywhere it’s around the bend of some crazy and unthinkable scary roads.
Hope is rarely on the mind of grief. I imagine hope as a sweet child with little words, only telling grief, I’ll come out Sir or Ma’am, when it’s my turn to join the grown up table.
And then it sits down together with grief and it sweetly adds its beauty and peace to those dining habitually over their mundane plates, changing slowly the place, the setting.
Like a hopeful child it may not be my place to add comment or conclusion at times.
Last week, I realized clearly that my insights, my intelligence and my speaking incessantly about how much I care about heartbreak and tragedy are insignificant to the person in their grief, their trauma, their fear.
I sat with the truth of that for a long time. Depleted from the knowledge of nothing I can do and the acceptance of it, I courted thoughts of giving up, of being a more silent spokesperson, of staying in the background, kind of keeping to myself what help I may know.
There’s value in that, giving what you can when you run across a need, otherwise just waiting and knowing people know you’re there.
November, it’s only day 3 and you’re really schooling me!
You’re refining my understanding of brokenness and you’ve got a steady eye on the fire that’s creating me as valuable, a vessel for pouring out my knowledge my and hope.
You through me.
Made to know you, to worship you.
To reveal my hope.
Hope that is needed.
Hope incomprehensible, hope that others need.
Farther along, we’ll understand vividly, so clearly, the why of everything.
I love so very much, this folksy rendition, this truth and song.
November, I see your reason, my naming you my turning of season.
Grace, November, you are feeling like grace. I’m grateful you found me again
For catching my almost fall back in to what looks like sadness that is actually fear.