Tonight, I’m resting. Kinda had to after getting knocked down by out of nowhere, can barely move yucky sick.
So, I rested in bed, then rested in the country, couch, bed, couch and again, back home to bed.
Resting still. No idea where it came from, knocked me down, a phantom illness.
My cousin says the sky is bigger in the country. She believes it. I believe it.
Others don’t understand. I wonder though, why it is that I’m almost immediately able to breathe with more ease
When I’m surrounded by sky?
Friday, I was not well. Made it to work and left after an hour, barely able to drive.
I’d been noticing my health, eating right, proud of my progress, even saying prayers of thanks for my health.
But, I’d been pushing it mentally, sleep deprived and stressed over work worries and other unforeseen imagined things that might happen.
I didn’t think I’d been quite so stressed til I woke up and my body made me slow down. I even dreamed of being sick, of a crisis at work, of some other worry, can’t recall.
Friday was rough, but, I kept on moving… you’ll be better, just keep pushing.
So, I made my way to the country at sunset to dog sit. I just had to get there, that’s all, I said, won’t feel any better or worse there.
I sat on the porch under the chimes and the sky changed colors while the dogs got reacquainted.
Slept not well, dogs watching guard and this strange unwavering fatigue, I tossed all night. I suppose around 3:00 the dogs gave out and one plopped by the back door while the other climbed in bed.
Woke, missing sunrise, but thinking coffee and made my way to the kitchen in the big old house. Drank a sip, fell back into the covers and how I could sleep more, I have no idea. But, I dozed.
Woke again. Hopeful for feeling better.
Just a little, I did.
I warmed my coffee and found a cool breeze. Forgot my journal, so I just sat and felt the cool air on my face and slowly, slowly, careful for nausea not to return, I relaxed.
And I began to realize I’d been rushing ahead, feeling like a godly rush of what I’d decided a fervor, but a total disregard for where I might be headed.
I read a chapter from “She’s Still There” a book written by Chrystal Evans Hurst, a preacher’s daughter who got way off track…she talks about our “drifts” from the path we should be on, the path God has for us.
The way we get pulled off track and if aren’t careful might not notice and have to be shown.
This morning her words rang true because I believe I’d forgotten to notice how my striving was wearing me out, my soul had become weary and my body finally caught up.
Pay attention to the beauty of your soul and the pulse of your existence. Chrystal Evans Hurst
So, I rested all day and am now still.
I stopped in my tracks about 36 hours ago. My feet could barely carry my weight, my voice was hushed and raspy, my heart pounding as I lie in bed waiting for wave of illness to pass.
And I prayed it would pass quickly.
But, it hasn’t completely.
I’m resting still, about to sleep some more and I have lots to do tomorrow, so I pray I wake all fresh and new.
But, if I don’t I’ll know I’m not ready.
I’ll know I need more time, more time to let my heart beat more softly and my soul be more certain. I’ll understand more clearly why I got hit like a freight train when I didn’t have the sense to watch for the collision.
The verse I call my life verse is soft and sure. It’s about being quietly confident.
But, you might never have read the verse that follows. It’s something we do sometimes, find a pretty promise or an assurance of grace and we don’t notice the other part, the words that cause conviction, the words that teach us hard lessons much needed.
Isaiah 30 is about a rebellious people, people running from a life of following God, maybe people growing weary, perhaps distracting themselves with effort but no faith…so they became disenchanted, left their quiet confidence and fled.
“This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength. But you would have none of it. You said, ‘No, we will get our help from Egypt. They will give us swift horses for riding into battle.’ But the only swiftness you are going to see is the swiftness of your enemies chasing you!”
Isaiah 30:15-16 NLT
I’ve been rushing maybe. I’m the only who’d know, not an outward rush, an internal constant chastisement of self over not enough, pressure to be more and to feel more content while doing it.
Nothing good comes by force. Nor from running away on the swift horse named regret for what hasn’t been yet.
I found grace this weekend again. I remembered God longs to be gracious to me and in the wide open space of the place I call “Pretty Place”
I had no more fight, no fervor, and I found my pace, the pace of grace.
No demand other than rest and I surrendered to my body and soul fatigue to find Him there waiting for me to rest again.
“So the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.”
Isaiah 30:18 NLT
Again, I rest.